A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story Of a man on the ledge of a large building Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge Did a swan dive off the building, Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, But willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

A man walks into bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

'Where on earth did you get that?' says the barman.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.

He hands it to the barman and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the barman rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just! One wish ~ each person is only allowed wish one!'

The barman gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another....Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks ... and they keep coming!


The barman turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.

I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'


'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist

A skeleton walks into a bar.

He says, "I'll have a drink, and a mop".

That's all I got folks!

What is Old?

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Choose one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by.... The doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to wee.

Tom, I can identify with many of them, especially the all nighter. LOL

KOB, brilliant lad. Great way to start a day, especially after your baseball team is down 3-1 in a series.

Kelly, I got it. LOL

LOL!!!

Here's my funny.

HEY, THAT PHONE NUMBER DOESN'T WORK!!!

Is this for real? The old wive's remedy of ajax and a deck brush is rather brutal.

Nope, no way....LALALA

**Jim Mc* -- thanks and I wish my baseball team was even playing. I'm from Cleveland ;-(

Eileen, I'm shocked at you. LOL

Morning BT! Back home from Florida, visited some good friends of mine for a few days and now am in wait mode for Grandchild #2 to decide and make her official appearance into this world.

Good to be back in Jersey. Though, it is flipping cold here and lots of leaves are tumbling down, you all know how I just love leaf season. Wish mother nature could figure a way to just have the leaves turn color and STAY on the tree. Now, that would be great!

Thanks to whoever fixed the password thingie.

debbie-there is some kind of leave blower that also can mulch at the smae time. flip the switch on blower and it picks up leaves and mulches them. saw it on a commercial...just sayin

love the jokes

jim mc i'm with ya.hugs to all

Uh Jim, how about those Phillies??? GO GIANTS!!! BWWWAHHHHHHH

Morning BT. Sorry I'vd been gone a bit lately....stuff to do. You seem to have survived without me...

Yeah, RA, I could hardly watch the end of the game last night; what a cliff hanger! I do a lot of business around the ball park, and it was crazyville there by noon yesterday, waiting for the night game. What time is it today? Four something?

Game is at 4:57p.m.

If they pull it off, it'll be the stuff of legend...

Halladay against Linecum again...classic match up. Hopefully, just maybe, possibly, the Phillies bats may come alive????

I need a cheesesteak.

Can't count them out. In all the post game interviews, the Giants said just that.

If we win tonight, it's tofu dogs for everyone!

Ok, off to work for me. See you after the game...

Bear with me on this. As a kid I loved crepes and I have passed that on to my kids. The creperie near my house makes very delicious ones but they ar $6.95 a piece...SO a few months ago I set out to buy the perfect crepe pan and learn to make them myslef (I had never been successful in the past)And today, alas, I have had my Julia Child moment and made the most delicious perfect crepe! I ate 2 banana and nutella ones and they were delicious!!!!!!!!! Okay..that's all I got.

HEY RA just hit 7K

WOOHOO...that means my a$$ has been lazy sitting on this computer too much! I better get cooking!

LMAO...

Lunch time

WHALE DOODY!!! bleghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

HI KIDS!!!!

OK, love the jokes today...G called me and read them to me!! There's your sign that you need to get on BT more often!!!!!!!!!!

RA, How cool!!!! I've never tried a crepe, but I do have a Joy of Cooking cookbook. Which pretty much means nothing to any of us!!!

My knee is healing. I'm now wearing just a knee brace that holds my knee cap in place. Seems that it wants to move around on it's own. But I think it's getting better every day.

MY SON RAFE!!!! He has joined the Marines!!!!!! He won't go to boot camp til after he graduates, which we are hoping will be this year. The recruiter guy is working w/ him, getting him in shape for boot camp (he's VERY out of shape) and also keeping his grades up. I don't know if yall can tell, but I'm just not understanding all of this. I know that today and tomorrow he is in Jacksonville for something. The main thing tho, he won't be driving around w/ his redneck friends in the middle of the nite. I actually feel safer w/ him in infantry. But I'm still scared, yet happy for him to become a MAN!!!!!!!!!

Many of yall have helped me to understand that the Marines may just be the right thing for him. THANK YOU!!!!

Mr. Jim McPeak, I may need some guidance from you. Rafe just text me that he is on his way to MEPS.... I have NO clue!!!!!

Pegi Here ya go.. Hugs to you

MEPS

Military Entrance Processing Station.
Congratulations, Rafe!

OMGosh!!!! This is becoming SO real!!!! I'm so proud of Rafe. He made this decision on his own. He's been going to see the recruiter for a while now, just talking. Now, it's all so real. I love my baby boy!!!!

Pegs, for some kids the Marine Corps can be a very good thing. Hopefully, this war will end very soon, and Rafe can be a good peace time Marine. I'm here whenever you need questions answered. I also sent you a Facebook message in reply to your question about MEPS. However, I see Freddie responded as well. Great minds think alike. I sent you the exact same thing.

Thanks Freddie and Jim!!

I haven't heard from Rafe yet, but I did get a call from Linda!!

Have a fun evening kids.

What am I thinking about?????? GOSH!!!!!

IT'S TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello all from the dispatch desk

RA...when I was at the Mall of America, they had a concession stand dedicated to crepes. We shared one and it was so good that the following week I made homemade crepes for dinner...TWICE! I love crepes

There go the phones...

Be lurking...

This is so sad.

I guess it's lights out in the home? I hope you did not drink to much water before bed time.


Breakfast will be cream of bacon, soft boiled egg, pre-chewed toast and warm tea.

Lunch...Cream of everything.

Diner...What you did not eat at breakfast and lunch.



Lights out.

Night Jerry, Night BT.

Hi BT!!!

We're home from the office and happy hour and now watching the end of the ball game. I don't have my glasses on though so I can't tell if Phillie is still in the lead. Guy says Phillies are still in the lead...
CHEESESTEAK!!!

I had such an unusual day today... Guy spent the entire day at the office with me!!! I can't tell you the last time he did that. Very nice.

I thought I posted a BIG CONGRATULATIONS to RAFE!!!! You have made a noble decision!

btw... the Username/password thingy isn't fixed for me total pita

Cheeseteaks all around. My sister is up from Florida, and she is just one of the most awesome women that I know. She just called me tonight, from my mom's, and said, "Hey Jimmy, how about cheesesteaks and beers tomorrow at the Candlewick, (a great bar)?" I said, "12:30" LOL Phillies won, all is good in Philadelphia!!!!!

Oh, and by the way, my daughter Kate, in San Francisco, has been sending me pictures of her and my granddaughter holding up San Fran signs!!! WTF?????????? That girl is as Philadelphia as I.

Hey RA...Hey RA... Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

(Message edited by JimMc on October 21, 2010)