A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."

His father replies, "What happened?"

The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'"

The father replies, "Well, that's correct."

The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"

The father then replies, "What the h3ll's is the difference?"

The boys says, "That's what I said!"

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as "Mother of Six" despite her constant objections.

One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids come in and share their stories. After a few students tell their stories, the rest of the class learns some of the morals you'd expect to hear, such as "don't count your chickens before they hatch" and "treat others as you'd like them to treat you."

Then it was little Timmy's turn...

“My daddy told me about my uncle Dave,” says Timmy. “He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands.”

“What is the moral of that horrible story?” yelps the mortified teacher.

“Stay away from Uncle Dave when he’s been drinking.”

My computer just made a fart sound!

(Message edited by bonaire9 on June 11, 2007)

This is not good.

(Message edited by bonaire9 on June 11, 2007)

Can you say "MELTDOWN?"

LMAO!!! Jerry, you kill me!!!!!

Let's teach em some redneck/southern sayings

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."

Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."


"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

BH...LMAO!

Hearing Check

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.

The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"

Okay one more and I'm heading out for the day.


An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, 'Bout what?"

OMG i love that one... hee hee

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."

He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

God's speed BH.

Little known facts:
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to Beat
his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the Rule of
thumb".

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered Into
the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred And
Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow
.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
History:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
The air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
The air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If The
Horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural Causes.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go Until You
would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and Laser
Printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the Phrase "mind
your P's and Q's"

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!


(Message edited by scubahb on June 11, 2007)

Not me Freddie - I tried to lick them before when I heard about it the first time.. LOL!

You guys are killin me today and it's not Thursday!!!!

Can someone please call 911 for me, I seem to have pulled a mussel in my tongue

I'll call em for yah Jerry ... whats the number for 911?

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, " he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.


"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,



"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone!"

I have one! I have one! lol

Subject: Was this harassment???

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had
the man arrested for harassment.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,

"Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, 'The DoubleMint Twins are Coming', and I grinned".

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile".

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick',
and I could hardly contain myself".

"BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident' ..... I just lost it".

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

lol lol lol...

Have you all seen this one?

Monkey with a death wish

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVD6kxge8M8

too dang funny!

Cynde,
Got this late last week and LMAO is what I did Wonder he didn't get b*tch slapped by one of them fer sure!!!

Kobi

I need one of these for my cats at home.

Tribs, Mara, funny stuff for sure! I loved it when he pulled the lion's ear...and his tail..and then sat on the ground taunting it...lmao!

Cynde, that was hysterical.