Oh pleeeeease, no!!
I struggled to open one bloodshot eye. The wall clock said 05.55. Outside the car alarm was playing “Name That Tune” with a bunch of passing cockerels, who all thought they knew the answer. I pulled the pillow over my head & tried desperately to return to the drunken stupour I’d been enjoying a few seconds earlier. Sleep would have nothing more to do with me however & gradually it dawned that I knew the tune too. It was an almost perfect copy of the early morning utterings made by the resident minah bird as he cleared his throat at Happy Holiday Homes.
The memories came flooding back. We had stayed at HHH the first time we visited the island a few years ago. Our first choice had been the Carib Inn, but when we arrived there without a prior booking, Bruce Bowker had taken one look at me, & while shaking his head in sympathy to Marcia, said he was fully booked for the forseeable future.
On arriving at HHH (Bruce’s suggested alternative lodgings) we were greeted by Kitty who was managing the place in the absence of her sister Louise the owner, who had returned on vacation to Holland.
With no previous experience of accommodation on the island to compare it to, our initial impressions were favourable. The bungalow was small & the furnishings were spartan but even Meryl would have been impressed with the general cleanliness of the place.
After a brief chat Kitty bade us good night & closed the door behind her as she left. We surveyed the “welcome pack” with growing disbelief. It comprised a travel iron, three scouring pads, a sink plunger, a packet of ground coffee & an almost complete toilet roll.
Space was at a premium & the microwave oven was positioned above head height on top of the fridge freezer. We were ravenous. I reached up to check the contents of the oven in the forlorn hope that there might be a few crumbs within. The glass oven tray fell from my fingers & smashed on the floor below. I turned despairingly to see Marcia holding a mangled Venetian blind towards me. Presumably it had been broken by the previous occupants who had managed to balance it in place on the wall before they left, as Marcia assured me that she had done no more than pull one of the chords to adjust the angle of the slats.
This wasn’t the start we’d hoped for. I marched across the yard, found Kitty & told her our woes. She agreed to let us off with the broken plate but said we would have to pay for some new blinds. My only minor victory was in persuading her (after ten minutes negotiation) to swap the coffee pack for another toilet roll. It seemed a shame to part with the coffee but as there was no coffee machine or filters it wasn’t going to be much use to us, was it?
Things looked better in the morning. Leaving the bungalow we bumped into Kitty, “Is everything OK today?” she asked nervously. “Yes. Fine thanks Kitty. We had a small fire in the bedroom but I managed to put it out with one of the blankets.” Looking in my rear view mirror as we drove away, I could see Kitty fumbling frantically with the key to unlock our back door!
Our fourteen day stay flew by & we had a great time apart from a heated discussion at Captain Dons where a member of staff questioned my parentage & I told him where he could stick his Nitrox. Anyway, that's enough about that. The majority of you have already expressed a desire not to hear about my gripes. At least this falling out enabled us to become aquainted with Linda & Enrico (who is sadly no longer there) at the Carib Inn. They served our diving needs admirably & I was sorry that I’d been unable to persuade Bruce to find “room at the inn” for us with him at the beginning of our stay.
As our trip drew to a close I became increasingly concerned about Swing, a dear old Doberman bitch owned by Kitty. The dog had a strange “waxy” skin condition that was irritating her continuously. Kitty explained that she had taken her to the visiting vet (at that time there wasn’t a vet based on the island) on numerous occasions but to no avail. Being in the trade, so to speak, I took some video of Swing & told Kitty that I would show it to a Vet friend of ours back in the UK & see what he recommended.
We arrived home. It was winter & there was a light covering of snow on the ground. I drove the ten miles to Tonys (the vet pal) surgery & showed him the film. He felt that he recognized the ailment but the treatment was expensive (isn’t it always?). I can’t remember the exact sum but it was in the region of US$160, & even that figure was allowing me a 20% trade discount. I returned home & faxed the details to Kitty, as we didn’t have e-mail then. She said that she’d like me to buy the washes, lotions & potions that he prescribed. Then my troubles began…..because they were classed as drugs I couldn’t mail them direct to Bonaire. After several phone calls I found that I would have to ship them to a Veterinary facility in Aruba or Curacao & they would have to be collected from there. Needless to say this was going to cost more than the drugs themselves. I faxed my findings to Kitty who told me to do whatever it took. Then I had a remarkable piece of luck...One of my regular customers brought his cat to me for boarding over Xmas & New Year. As we were putting it in the cattery he told me that he was about to go on a cruise around the Netherlands Antilles. For a “fee” of US$20 he agreed to take the sizeable package (it was about the size of a soccer ball) & hand it personally to Kitty when his ship docked in Kralendijk. It's interesting to note & rather ironic that this "smuggler" was a retired policeman! Ah well, I guess we all have our price, eh?
And so, the deed was done. Mr X, our smuggler friend returned home, mission accomplished. I sat back contentedly & waited to hear from Kitty on how successful the treatment was........Three years later & I'm still waiting.
Talk about feeling like I've been ridden hard & put away wet!

Guess I'd better go & turn that damned car alarm off!

Andy...didnt you tell Bruce B. that your birthday was Dec. 25th? Im sure there would have been room if he knew "who" he was turning away.... We have mailed medicines to friends on Bonaire..since Steve gets alot of samples at his office that will expire and just be thrown out if not used. We just packed them up and sent them...no one ever told us this was not legal? How did you come on this information...and please don't send your retired police friend on our tail...So Kitty never paid you back for the medicine you so graciously sent? I guess you won't be returning to HHH in the future. On another note...did Mum receive "the hat" yet?

I found out as soon as I took them to my local post office Meryl. They got me to fill in a package contents declaration form (or some such thing). As soon as they saw what I'd written, they told me that I couldn't send the stuff that way. I feared that if I just took my chances & sent it anyway, it might be inspected & confiscated. Not such a problem for you I guess...if it doesn't get thru' you haven't lost much.
Kitty did pay the Vets bill. (to the exact penny) She handed over the cash when Mr X gave her the drugs.
I reckon I'd better get onto a different subject here or I'll soon have the drug squad breaking my door down!
But a letter saying thanks, or if it hadn't helped Swing, just a note saying that she appreciated my efforts would have been nice.
Ah well, I don't regret doing it & anyway, the generosity & helpfulness of others on Bonaire during my last visit have more than compensated.
No sign of the hat yet. I'm waiting by my mail box with bated breath eighteen hours a day! (Sarah mailed me to say that she's not been very well, but hopes to post it today)

Andy, you broke the glass oven tray, the venetian blind just happened to go when Marcia just adjusted it, and you had a fire in your bedroom, and yet you expected Kitty to send you flowers for the medicine? I've been to bonaire many times over the years. The last 5 times I've stayed at HHH. Never felt like I wasn't a welcomed guest. But then I've never set the place on fire either. Your right about the one roll of toilet paper they provide. Sounds like the next time you would be much better off staying at one of the larger resorts like the Plaza. They give you all the toilet paper you need but the price per night is more then doulbe. Just out of curiosity, how many more chapters are there to this on going saga of yours???

Dennis,,,I don't think you are in tune to Andy's wit yet.....I think the fire was a joke....and the chapters...(at least I hope) will go on forever.....I think the ole boy is full of stories.....

Phew, thanks Meryl.
At the time I hired you I thought your fees were extortionate! I was so wrong......you can handle my public relations for the forseeable future.
D. Witt. Hmmmmm, it's so tempting but I'm going to show a little restraint here or I'll be paying off Meryl well into retirement!
We can only speak as we find Dennis.
My last couple of stays have been at Lagoen Hill. Same price as HHH. Bungalows twice the size. Six beers & snacks (free) in the fridge on arrival. There's a small, but adequate freshwater pool & because some of the bungalows are the permanent residences of friendly local folk it feels more like a home than a holiday complex. Needless to say there are unlimited toilet rolls, plus the added bonus of a drive thru' dive shop with a couple of rinse tanks, which is efficiently operated by Steve Jevons Toucan outfit.
The only thing missing is the travel iron.
Any more of this & I'll be expecting commission Monique!
Speaking of friendly locals......Where's the 351ft dive report you promised us all, Walt? The "waitng for the pics to come back from Atlanta" excuse is beginning to wear a little thin.

Andy, I am impressed with your kind restraint...and yes, a nice thank you fax would have been nice...oh, and thanks for reminding me of Walts "dive pics and story" he promised, what was that now, 3 weeks ago? cough it up Walt...or have you sent andy the preliminary script for him to "publish" it in his genre of verse?

See Andy! And all that back and forth bickering about salary has finally paid off...I knew you would finally see my true worth. And yes...the restraint is a nice "touch"

Andy, "the hat" is on its way.

andy...your writing leaves me laughing every time..especially after knowing HHH..we stayed there years ago and " got yelled at " for leaving our wet towels on the fence..felt like I was 2 years old..and then did'nt we take a towel on a dive with us by mistake and got "caught" bringing it back into the apartment from the minivan..I think we were on the "•••• list" from there on in...needless to say we have found other accomodations with less rules

Andy, just a singular observation...but you seem to be particularly obsessed with toilet paper issues. Has anyone else picked up on anal retentive quality about our friend?

OK, it's a fair cop & of course you're right Jan.
I guessed I'd have to come clean eventually...but in the absence of a bidet, I'll continue to treasure toilet paper. Call it an obsession if you will, but I wouldn't dream of sitting down in "the smallest room" each day without it.

Jan....you must know what Andy's line of business is....he's not kidding when he tells you he has to "come clean"....the eventually part does trouble me though....

Lord Keely-the bidet, french no?

Meryl, on your visit, give me a call if you feel like it. we are in the book - David & Susan

On TP - I was complaining to a plumber awhile back, about the amount of TP that my wife used, He just handed me his galactic "snake" bill and said the He was GLAD his wife used so much.

I didn't know what to say.

Mais oui Davide!
Commment allez vous...you old queen? Long time, no hear.
So....who's this poor lass Susan, then? I can't believe it's your wife. Please, tell me that she's not fallen for that "little boy lost" routine of yours & married you?

Dave, may do just that if my sisters arent running me ragged. You guys in the same town?
Andy...now be kind...remember the restraint thing...(Dave he obviously has missed you)

I seem to have missed quite a bit of action over the past few days...I must take the time to "catch up" on everything, but especially Andy's entries! You do crack me up, Andy...don't stop the presses.....just keep it comin' on strong! (Bless Marcia and her patience....) Carole

Old Queen? I'm really gonna smack you one day Lord Keely.

I've loosened my trouser belt in eager anticipation, Dave.
But seriously.....you've never mentioned there being a woman in your life. Tell us more.

are you kidding? she is the third or fourth best diver in the world.
even posted pictures of her(us) when I unmasked back sept.

and tighten the belt back up there...matey

Andy...starting to worry about you...I think you even made fun of (NOT YOU!) one of Dave's pictures with his wife and brother (if my mind is working correctly!) It's good to see you guys are back to your ole rants.

I thought we agreed at the time that despite his protests to the contrary, they were both his offspring, Meryl?
It can't have been September, surely? I'm a relatively new kid on the block & I'm pretty sure that I was just a twinkle in Jake & Lindas eyes back then.

no I think that the female "off spring" was his wife...maybe good ole Dave will post the pix again...I think they were on a boat somewhere...going someplace..who can keep track with him...He's got the life..

Oops..sorry...read back to beginning of Oct..it was his brother in law...but he never mentioned if the other person was his wife..
You have just been posting since September? seems like you have been around longer then that...I guess its because of the trip reports..what did we do before September?