God willing, March 2002 will find Mum & her equally mature travelling companion, Yvonne hacking their way through the rain forests of Borneo as they backpack their way from the north to the south of the island. Each of these machete-wielding widows will be sporting white sun hats purchased in Bonaire. The trip had been planned long ago and despite the many obvious potential dangers of such a journey, mum's only voiced concern was that of keeping her head firmly upon her shoulders.
Those of you who have been fortunate enough to visit this region will know that the male population are noteworthy on two counts. Firstly, they have a long tradition of head hunting, which was outlawed early in the last century but is still practiced today, although admittedly on a much lesser scale. Secondly, they are probably the most unattractive folk you are ever likely to meet. Indeed, I concluded that they must have fallen from the top of the ugly tree & hit every branch on the way down! The wildman image is further enhanced by the adornment & penetration of all parts of their bodies with foliage from the afore mentioned tree. I guess that beauty must be in the eye of the beholder because most of them had wives & girlfriends who I would happily have allowed to win my affections, if Marcia hadn't beaten them to it. But I digress.
It was Autumn 2001. In a small copse of deciduous trees (which were supposed to simulate dense Indonesian rainforest) at the far end of my land beyond the kennels, Mum & Yvonne stood back to back brandishing their newly aquired machettes. I surveyed the kaleidescope of whirling steel from a safe distance, barely able to make out the gnarled but spritely frames of these two unlikely warriors ducking & diving within, thinking that I for one wouldn’t dream of approaching either of them to ask the time, never mind attempting to remove their heads!
“Well Yvonne” said Mum, as her flashing blade disemboweled yet another imaginary assailant, “I don’t reckon the little buggers’ll give us too much trouble. Should be a piece of p*ss compared to those Amazonian pirates who tried to make off with our canoe last year.” Yvonne nodded sagely in agreement as she skipped daintily over the trunk of a fallen oak tree, which had been in the right place at the wrong time, a few seconds earlier. Mum continued “ We’ve mastered these things. Now we just have to get us some hats.” Yvonne didn’t answer. She either disagreed, or more likey, was too busy wiping the blood (which she could clearly see in her minds eye) from her blade, by drawing its full length through the folds of the pale pink cardigan which covered her tightly closed armpit.
Using some strange logic (possibly Volcan), Mum had decided that a hat was essential for this imminent adventure if her much sought after head was to be on the return flight home rather than on the dining table of a Borneo living room.
And so, a few weeks later Marcia & I found ourselves admiring a wide brimmed sunhat in the Aries gift shop (Bonaire), debating whether to buy one each for the pair of bus pass holders who were minding the "fort" back home for us, or whether to get just one for Mum. Primarily because I hadn't been convinced by my earlier observations that Yvonne like the idea of a hat crushing her immaculate, tightly permed profusion of blue rinsed locks. After much deliberation we decided on the latter option. Knowing Yvonne to be a keen reader (in contrast to Mum whos literacy skills didn't extend much beyond reading knitting patterns) I suggested that we should buy her a weighty travel guide book on Borneo, from Schiphol airport between our connecting flights on the way back to England.
And so it was to be. We bought the hat & began the long journey homeward. Marcia decided to carry it with her during the flight & all went well until Schiphol. Upon landing we found that due to the one hour delay which we'd suffered at Flamingo, there were only twenty minutes in which to make our connection to Norwich. Of course, there was no time to buy the book & as our plane left Amsterdam, our luggage waved to us from the tarmac. We arrived back on English soil some fifty minutes later with just our hand luggage. This apparent inconvenience was shortly to prove to be our salvation.
I pushed open our back door to be greeted by the beaming face of Mum. As she lifted me several feet above the ground in what I assumed to be a welcoming hug, her eyes fell upon her present, the white sun hat, which hung invitingly from Marcias outstretched hand. Dropping me & seizing the hat she let out a Whoopeee!! Followed by "Yvonne we've got hats. We've got hats!" Yvonne appeared from the deeper recesses of the house & added to the mayhem caused by Mums enthusiasm. "Oh Iris (Mum) we'll.................... cut such a dash. Won't we?!" She hollered, pausing in mid sentence to send a well aimed projectile of spit, the size of a golf ball in the direction of William, the house cat. Now, William had "been there...done that" many times before & his upraised paw deflected the gelatinous missile harmlessly away from himself & two feet up a nearby wall, from where it began its slow but inevitable journey to the quarry tiled floor below. Nonchalently inspecting his extended claws before returning his foot to the ground, William stifled a yawn & seeing that we'd brought nothing of interest for him, returned to the hallway to keep watch over his favourite mouse hole beneath the stairs.
What were we to do? Two hat hungry pensioners & only one hat! We didn't even have the consolation for Yvonne of giving her the book which we'd intended to purchase en route.
Fighting off the mind numbing exhaustion caused by our eighteen hour journey, I had what seemed like a brain wave at the time........."Yours is with the rest of our baggage at Amsterdam airport, Yvonne." I offered in my best apologetic but reassuring tone. "Right....Well just so long as I get it before we leave for Borneo in March, I guess it will be ok." she barked.
A few minutes later we said our goodbyes & as their broomsticks disappeared into the gathering darkness above & beyond our beech hedgerow, Marcia & I gazed despairingly at one another. What were we to do?
We had a couple of days to come up with a plan. Yvonne & Mum both live in Cromer, a small seaside town some twenty miles distant from our address, & it would be at least that long before our paths were likely to cross again..
Eventually, we had agreed upon our best course of action....Mum would have to be told the true state of affairs & we would give her hat to Yvonne before attemping to find one similar to it in England for her.
"No bloody way!" screamed Mum, dislodging a few roof tiles in the process, upon recieving the news."S'mine & you ain't gettin yer grubby little paws on it!" she continued.
Plan B was launched.
Mum begrudgingly allowed me to take a photo of her new & treasured aquisition, after which, mission accomplished, Marcia & I returned home. An e-mail to Mary (of Walt & Mary fame), resulted in my second favourite woman on the planet agreeing to track down the identical twin of the hat Mum now had in her vice like grasp.
A further appeal to Sarah (another English Bonaire "talker") who I knew from her postings was Bonaire bound, produced a carrier. The final piece to complete the jig-saw required the co-operation of my dear old (& often misunderstood) pal Steve Jevon, the manager at Plazas Toucan dive shop. As I'd painted him in such a favourable light in "Catch A Falling Star etc) he was only too happy to oblige, saying that he would gladly hold the hat until Sarah arrived to collect it.
Well, her message posted on these pages yesterday confirm that so far everything is going well. The hat is making a minor detour to the States where it intends to enjoy the Xmas festivities, after which it will hopefully return to these shores to become aquainted with Yvonnes cranium sometime early in the New Year.
Such a long chapter, but still so many unanswered questions....
Will the hat get here?
Will it fit?
Will the ladies make it to Borneo?
Will my goose be cooked?
Not too sure about the first three, but the answer to the fourth is YES. It was on the table three hours ago....our guests are on the point of leaving & if the county courts were open at 21:40 on Xmas Day Marcia would be petitioning for a divorce.



Happy Yuletide All!

Hats off to you, Andy! Carole (If you don't come thru soon, this hat will fit several of your heads inside it!) Quite a tale, indeed, my friend. Kudos to the author.

andy...you continually amaze me with your prose...i really do think that you should think of writing and autobiography..."tales of andy" 'the adventures of fancypants' "the adventures of andy the ? best diver in the world"...of course, Marcia would have to have a few chapters of her own to tell "the real story" thanks for another fun and interesting chapter...i particularly liked the cat deflecting the spit ball with his paw...

Andy you did it again.....now we have to wait for "the hat arrives" ! You know you can't stop now....you should be able to ask for money soon and retire the shovel.....

Andy, I'm home.. (finally)! I'll call you sometime tomorrow.. That hat is in pretty good shape.. considering! Going for some sleep now.. S

Andy, you're fabulous.

Steady on, Carlea!
Good to hear from you again though.
I Hope that the year ahead is kind to you & really looking forward to hearing of your next marathon?

OK Andy, an update since our little chat. I'll be sending the hat to you on Wednesday! Let's hope the Royal Mail Service will take as good care of it as I have! hmmm

ps. Mr Jevon took good care of it too..

I've put a moratorium on even thinking about marathons until at least October! I'm now trying to just become a faster runner. I won't do another marathon again until I can do it in significantly less time.(I was bored, bored, bored!)

Just got back from Bonaire on Saturday and am now trying to figure out the best way to either move there permanently, or make enough money to visit at least once a month!

Hope you had a good holiday.

Carlea

Andy, the Village Post Office was closed! I was really, really, mad.. it's flippin freezing out there..brrrrrr a max of 4 degrees C here today.. I'll try again tomorrow as there's no opening times posted on the door.. bye for now.. S

No problem Sarah.
Another day or two's neither here nor there. The "ladies" haven't even begun sharpening their machettes in readiness for their adventure yet, nevermind thinking about their headwear, so there's plenty of time.

Andy, that's good because the PO was closed today also. I made an enquiry in the shop next door, and they say it will re-open on Monday. So, I guess you'll have it for the early part of next week. In the interim, I'm keeping it away from Steffi.. I've left reminder notes all over the house to send you the hat on Monday.. I've got one hell of a week next week (apart from Wednesday, my rest day); so I need reminding!. I could have e-mailed you this, but then there would be a chunk missing from the Chapter..right?

Right...if I can drag a few more of you into taking an active role, maybe I can cobble your combined efforts into one humungous blockbuster of a novel & we'll all be able to retire on the proceeds.
Holiday, Carlea?

Carlea, you and I are sister's right now that we have bonded for a week in paradise? Don't forget to add me in your biz plan once u settle down there..I am looking too.

Hey, we partied wayyy too much in BON last week. I am still so tired. I NEVER stay up til 2 and 3 here. In fact 9 PM is my typical bedtime. YIKES!



Annie
Cape Cod

Right on, Annie. I can't get enough rest now and I'm definitely fighting off a bug. Though, it's simply impossible to party *too* much -- especially in paradise.

By the way, loved your trip report. I guess I should try my hand at one now, eh? (Is that what you were looking for, Andy?) Here goes:

I arrived on 12/23. Flew Air Jamaica from Baltimore/Washington International to Montego Bay to Bonaire. Flights were inconsequential, minus a few crying babies. It was on the Mo Bay - BON flight that I met up with the itinerant windsurfers Mark, Mary and Randy. Since I was traveling alone, I forced myself to swallow each little insecurity and walk up to the coolest looking folks on the flight and start talking to them. Glad I did. When Mark said he was a windsurfer from Cape Cod, I said, "Oh, do you know Annie?" Duh!

Anyhoo, upon arrival, I delivered bagels and dog biscuits to the Richters, grabbed a seat at Captain Don's (Jake's fine recommendation) and watched the sunset while I dined on pizza and the mosquitos dined on me.

Stayed at Happy Holiday Homes and was seranaded by the resident Minah (sp?) bird and passing donkeys.

Dive Op was Photo Tours in the Caribbean Court. Chris was my dive guide for the boat dives I'd paid for. Love, love, love Chris and everyone else at Photo Tours. Nice folks. And patient. Meaning this: John was the dive guide for the Town Pier night dive and I was a nervous nilly. Practically wrapped my arms around him for the entire thing (okay, okay, he was cute, too). Though the dive was gorgeous (eels, starfish, seahorse, orange cup corals, etc, etc) diving in the dark makes me NERVOUS.

Didn't get to do most of the dives I wanted to. Oh well, guess I have to go back. But my faves were Angel City and Chez...whatchamacallit...Hines? I think. Saw some fun stuff and, of course, the camera was loaded improperly.

Favorite drinking place: CoCo's. For the sole reason that they give you brightly decorated styrofoam/cork fish with each drink. Fun keepsake and GREAT way to keep track of all the alcohol you've consumed.

Word to the wise: Departure tax at the airport must be paid in cash or they won't let you leave. Could have been a problem (depending on how you look at it) since I couldn't get cash out of the machine or bank. Thanks to the kindness of a stranger (also from the DC metro area -- we're such nice folks here), I was able to board my flight. Actually, now that I think about it, it was really quite cruel of him.

Hi Carlea, Happy New Year to you..

Sounds like you had a great trip.. how nice for you to have Annie & Co.; to hang out with.
Enjoyed the night dive bit!..

ps. We love to collect those little drink decorations too..S

Carlea...where is Coco's?. Is it Coconut Beach Bar at Plaza? I am starting to twitch thinking there is a bar I may have missed! Very truthful trip report!

Annie, you've just given me a sleepless night...Please tell me that Big Tim & I aren't sisters after we spent time together on Bon in November?!
Carlea, I was questioning your asking if I had a good holiday. I presumed that you were referring to Xmas & New Year which are a pretty miserable time for Marcia & me as it's the one spell in the winter months when our kennels & cattery are full.
Wasn't all gloom & despondency though...I found time to fit in a couple of beers with Jimmy Buffet on our "big" day.
What do you mean "you loved my trip report"? You speak as though it's all over? It still has many miles to run! I've just had to pause a little while work got in the way this last week or so.
Isn't Cocos in Belnam near Happy Holiday homes? Wherever it is, I seem to remember swallowing so many of those styrofoam/cork fish in one drinking session there that I had to put an extra four lbs of lead on my belt the next morning before I could get down.
Funnily enough HHH was where I got my suggested business name of "Happy Holiday Homes For Pets Pie Company" from, before Meryl came up with the winner "Doggie Bags Are Us".
Marcia & I spent two weeks at HHH a couple of years ago. It was very eventful!
Refresh my memory Carlea...what were the names of the two sisters who run the place & do they still have a dear old Doberman bitch? If they do, does it still have an unpleasant skin condition?
I feel another Chapter coming on!

Oh no! How presumptuous of me Carlea....I've just realised that you were saying that you loved Annie s report & weren't referring to mine.

Coco's is across from Karel's near the pool hall (which I ventured into..how daring I was...)..

Annie
Cape Cod

That's okay, Andy. Keep the chapters coming.

Gawd, I was afraid someone was going to ask me the names of the folks who run HHH. It's a married couple, not sisters. And the wife is Dutch. Very nice person. And very patiently put up with the repeated phone calls from my family who thought (I am not making this up) that I had been kidnapped. (Reason why: I had trouble finding a phone that worked and when I finally did it was in the middle of the post office and since I wasn't my typical ebullient self -- because half the island was listening to my conversation -- they had rationally deduced I had been abducted.)

And the only bitch on the property was me (minus the skin condition).

I had a great holiday. Christmas on Bonaire is the way to go. New Year's Eve was low-key because I was starting to get sick. But whenever you welcome midnight by kissing someone, it is a good time indeed.

And Meryl, Annie hit it on the head. CoCo's is in that downtown area where all those open air bars are. It's a big place and I never saw more than five or six people there at one time.

Carlea

Sarah,

Happy New Year yourself! How was Charlottesville? They just got about a foot of snow yesterday, lucky dogs.

Carlea

Yes Carlea, HHH was (& presumably still is) owned by a Dutch couple. The wife had a sister who used to "manage" the place & she was the one who owned the Doberman.
Anyone else know their names & how the dog is? (Always assuming of course, that the treatment I supplied it with didn't kill the poor beast!)

Mel and Louise (or, more appropriately, Louise and Mel) are the proprietors of the Happy Holiday Homes.

No idea about the dog - sorry Andy.

Jake

Carlea, Charlottesville was just wonderful.. though we only drove through it, on our way to Lynchburg.. hopefully we'll have more time this year and we'll be able to stay over for a couple of nights. We're thinking about returning to BON in June, if we do, we'll certainly stop off in the States again before we go home.. Hugh tells me it's really beautiful in the Summertime too. Sorry we missed the snow..maybe next time. S

Thanks Jake....knowing what a "doggie" kind of guy you are, I'm surprised that you can't fill me in with more about the mutt.
I've only been watching the "trip" pages lately, so doubtless I've missed enquiries & answers about how you're healing up after your shoulder surgery...So how's it going?

Getting better day by day. I got to actually start real exercises today, finally (as opposed to having a physical therapist move my arm into all sorts of painful positions). Now I can cause my own pain. Oh goodie ;-)

Jake

Good.
For some reason your reply reminds me of an old joke about the guy who was asked if he had any vices. He replied, "I have a passion for flagellation, necrophillia & bestiality.... but sometimes I think I'm flogging a dead horse!"

Sorry for that. Perhaps I'd better stick to story telling?

Andy, please do!

Jake, good to hear yur arm is improving. You must be an expert in playing computer games by now...

Andy, andy, andy.....Carole

Eureka!!
At long last I've got it. It's been bugging me for nearly a week now but I've finally tracked down the name of the sister & her ailing pooch. I've found some video footage of them both on some old SVHS film that I thought I'd binned ages ago. She was called Kitty & the dog was Swing.
Chapter 15 will follow shortly!

Andy, We had someone at work do the last Eco-tour on Borneo. She and about 80% of the 'tourer's came done with a nasty bug from impure water that required them to take some even nastier antibotics. They used water purification tablets, but they apparently weren't strong enough.

Please tell your Mum and Yvonne to be careful about their drinking water, etc.